He Knew

God knew how things would unfold . . .

Psalm 139
1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!

Jump over to Naturally Knocked Up to read the rest of this story.

Not the End

Children dealing with loss and sickness has been on my heart a lot since we had a miscarriage almost a year ago.  After my post yesterday Hidden Treasures asked me to join in their series on miscarriage - helping those who have gone through it, but also talking to those who haven't so that they can better relate to those they love who have.

I thought I had in my head what I wanted to write, but in the first few sentences something altogether different poured out.  So I thought it would be helpful if I shared with you my road through loss.

I cannot count how many funerals and memorials I have been to.  I can remember vividly how LOUD my grandfather’s was from the grieving, I was only 7-year-old.  After many more sad moments like this I believe I finally got a Godly and true perspective on what death should mean to a Christian.

This changed was as new mother, when my Grandmother died.  Read about how God effected this change in me at Your Thriving Family.  And please check out the series this week at Hidden Treasures.  I pray this helps you and those supporting you - please do not be afraid to tell them what you need, whether it is through your own words ro any you find that resonate with you.

Telling my Husband

He came to the car . . .  hesitantly he sat in the driver’s seat and asked what was wrong. I proceeded to tell him what they had told me.  I had a feeling of embarrassment and was apologetic - like I had anything to do with it.

I cried.

He took it in.  And then asked me how I was.  Then immediately launched into not giving up hope for another.  It was only when he called his mom to tell her that he began to cry himself.

He asked if I felt like I had lost a child. “No.”

No, I had not lost a child, but I had lost the hope of a child.*  We began to discuss when life starts, did this embryo, less than an inch long, have a soul – did God use a soul on one who would never enter the world?

I don’t know. But, I know it was more than an embryo, at one time it had a heartbeat, it was a baby. It was our third.  And I know that ours is a God of compassion, of grace, of love . . .

Though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God's purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who calls—
Romans 9:11

God is merciful. I know that whatever the case was with our unborn baby, God IS just.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Matthew 5:3-11

He got some things in order at school so we could leave. I went in to use the bathroom, upon exiting the kindergarten teacher asked, “do you want to come see you babies?”  STAB IN THE HEART!

That word, babies, cut me. For a moment I was panicked. How did she already know? She was, of course, talking about the chicks we would be bring home in a week. I went to looked at them, still yellow balls of fluff. It was actually a bit healing - seeing new life.


We took a drive to nowhere.  Then to the store to get some stuff for the trip he would be leaving for the next week.  We had also talked about whether or not he should go.  Though we are both fairly logical people.  I would have loved to have not been alone that next week, but there was really nothing he could do here.  He asked me if I wanted some people to come over and pray.

“NO! I don’t want people around.  If there was something wrong and therefore still some hope, then yes, by all means!"  Surround me with loved ones, with desperate prayers for healing.   But it was too late.  The baby was dead.  There was nothing to do.


*This almost a year later - yes, I do feel that I have lost a child.  I am due in about a month, just after we lost this one.  Every time I say we are having our 3rd, I feel as if I am lying.  There is one missing . . .

A few Resources

I just found a site today, through Your Thriving Family, and discovered a wealth of resources.  The site is What Christians want to Know.  I clicked on a link about verses on God's love and then was lead to a ton of other topical listings of verses.  Some I thought would be most helpful were Hope, Peace, Strength, Heaven, and Worry.

I Pray you find these comforting and faith building through your journey.

Guest Post - Baby Rael Lyn

I want to thank Shelly for sharing her story with us. I pray it helps us all to heal and trust our amazing, all-mighty God!

It takes so much to put these thoughts and pains to paper - or keyboard as it may be.  If you would like to share you story too, send it to me and I will post it for you.


My heart aches when I think of writing this story.  But my heart also aches that this story be written. Words seem cheap, empty, and powerless.  Words do not describe the emotional, spiritual, and physical.
But words and a few snapshots are all I have to remember this journey with.

 It was January 2011 when we found out she was alive.

I don't remember what the exact date was when I took the test. I had been feeling all wrong, sick, and tired. I was blacking out all the time and my gag reflex seemed to be working overtime. I didn't want to face reality so I told myself everything was "fine", that I was "fine", but the perpetual knot in my stomach was telling me otherwise. We can only live in a superficial reality for awhile and then it all comes crashing down. It did. The day I took the test, seven to be exact. Trent finally put his foot down and made me and by that time I had given up being "fine".We were so shocked ..and scared. We didn't feel ready ..or capable ..we were too young ..it was too soon. We didn't understand what God was doing. We cried, and prayed, and cried, and prayed, and cried again. My memory of the following weeks is fuzzy. At that point my life was a total fog, in part because of that pregnancy brain, I had it terrible. I just couldn't think straight and told Trent over and over that I now knew what it would feel like to be mentally slow. I made a doctor appointment and they couldn't get me in for several weeks. Again I was jolted into reality when I walked out of the doctors office shaking with this picture in my hand.

There she was. Thirteen weeks old, alive and definitely "kicking" the doctor had said. It didn't seem real. I couldn't believe it. It was around that time that I started to notice a stomach lump. Most people say bump but that is just a nice way of saying lump. That lump would freak me out. As I look back now those months were so confusing. I was paralyzed by the thought of you. I was paralyzed by fear. I was so confused and I had so many questions. Weeks slowly dragged on and physically if it wasn't one thing it was another. I would later find out why some of my symptoms (especially the foggy brain) were worse than average. I think it was around sixteen weeks, around the time I started feeling you twist and turn and kick that I started falling in love. I started to accept the fact that my "plan" of my life was not Gods plan. It seems as though I would have caught on by then that my plans weren't reality in my life. It hurts to let go of plans. It hurts to realized that what you always dreamed of is just that ..a dream. It was still crazy feeling but I was rising above and falling in love with you.